A [second-hander] is one who regards the consciousness of other men as superior to his own and to the facts of reality. It is to a [second-hander] that the moral appraisal of himself by others is a primary concern which supersedes truth, facts, reason, logic. The disapproval of others is so shatteringly terrifying to him that nothing can withstand its impact within his consciousness; thus he would deny the evidence of his own eyes and invalidate his own consciousness for the sake of any stray charlatan's moral sanction. It is only a [second-hander] who could conceive of such absurdity as hoping to win an intellectual argument by hinting: "But people won't like you!" (Ayn Rand, The Virtue of Selfishness, 141)
Shoot. It’s happening again – half my mind is suffering amid the strong swirl of ideas and memories formed over the past two weeks, the other consumed with a task even more grievous. You. I get into these spouts of inspiration where I can literally form another world in my head and dwell there all night, tasting the colors and feeling the sounds. Whilst this new Technicolor film runs through my head, spinning and sputtering ink onto the canvas, I am at mercy. I am distracted. With you. You plural. Meaning more than one you. Ok, I know, you (plural, again) get it.
Sorry doc, I think I’ve caught the disease. I’ve got a strain of second-handedness in me. I can’t even take the cookie out of the jar without gazing wide-eyed round the room, waiting and watching for the old mother to painfully swat my hand away.
What I’m getting at is this: it’s really really really hard sometimes to have sincere motivations, to not be defined by anybody but your Maker. “Wait, why am I doing this again?” The phrase is like a re-run every five seconds. Can’t focus, can’t concentrate, desire keeps running…
I want to ride to the ridge where the west commences
I can’t look at hobbles and I can’t stand fences
Don’t fence me in.
I just can’t seem to remove the endless torrent of thoughts about what other people will think of what I’m doing or planning or living. It’s almost a form of despair. I can’t even worship.
I’ve come to understand that if you ever wish to accomplish anything significant on your lifelong trek around this complex sphere of existence, you must firmly hold to a personal and practical idea of pleasure. Whom do you please? Who do you WANT to please? Who do you HAVE to please? And why? These are the very motivations that will drive every person to their knees. It is the reason why some men challenge dragons and others cast themselves into the sea. After all, we are all a slave of something, or someone… the apostle Paul reminded us in Romans 6 that you are a slave to whomever you obey.
People don’t make sense. Their ideas and advice is often like car exhaust – a necessary fuel to get us places. But it’s gone so fast, it grudgingly ascends to the purgatory of consciousness, ready to be tried and tested and maybe purged? It needs sifting. What, then, is the standard? How do I truly become myself? How can I get to the point where I have to confidence to do almost anything the Lord puts on my heart? Not recklessly, of course; relationships are fragile; bridges really shouldn’t be burned without due cause.
Purity. Purity of heart is to will one thing, says a great mind. One thing. No more duplicity. A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways, the brother of Jesus was quick to remind the seeker.
You wanna know the most convicting statement I’ve ever heard? It came from a girl; a beautiful young girl, like the one who arrested the apostle Peter’s conscience before the rooster crowed. She said:
“Have you ever set out to do something that you knew would require Divine strength? Something so heavenly, some giant so towering, some abyss so frightening that it would empty your strength completely… that you would be brought to the point of weeping and swinging fists and sweating blood in the first battle? And your absolute only hope would the Man on the white horse. Do you long to taste the victory that is ours in Christ? Do you trust Him? Can he really do anything… like you so often sing?”
Ok, maybe it wasn’t that dramatic. But that’s how my mind interpreted it. Conviction. I could be so much more than this. The mere man on two legs is not enough. I need Divinity.
The Lord my God lights up the darkness;
by my God I can crush an army
and in His strength I can scale any wall.
He enables me to go up on the heights,
And I am not afraid.” –Psalm 18
Worship. This is how I can avoid the pitfall of people-pleasing, the dirty second-handedness. My God is my King and my lover, whom have I in heaven but Him? And on earth there is nothing I desire but Him. My heart and my flesh may fail, but the Lord is the strength of my heart and my inheritance forever.
Light up the Darkness.
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